Tall tales

Attorney (while waiting 30 minutes for judge to arrive): "Are they short judges today?"

Me: "No, they're average height."

Slip Sliding Away

Judge - How many fact witness depositions do you have left?

Plaintiff's Counsel - I think 8 your honor.

Judge - Eight! It's a slip and fall, how many times did your client actually fall!?

Everybody plays the fool . . . sometimes

Judge - What do you want me to do?

Plaintiff's Counsel - Well Judge?

Judge - Did you get this case dumped on you this morning? Like, on your way over here?

Plaintiff's Counsel - Well . . .

Judge - Okay fine! But I can't tell you what you should ask for.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda

Plaintiff's Counsel - We want to file an amended comlaint. . .

Judge - And we're on 213(f)(3)?! I should deny it. . .

Plaintiff's Counsel - I . . .

Judge - I SHOULD deny it.

Plaintiff's Counsel - Thanks for not, denying it?

Amusing the Judge

In Branch 29 two defendants had similar last names which the Clerk and State's Attorney kept confusing.

Judge - This is what happens when you build a courthouse on top of an amusement park.

In all fairness, he's not busy watching Broncos games anymore...

Judge (to Respondent): Are you going to call any witnesses? (time passes) (louder) Will you be calling any witnesses, Sir?
Respondent: God is my witness, Your Honor.

Judge: Will you be calling any less ethereal witnesses for the case today?

Respondent: No Judge.

The Constitutionalists

During a motion hearing.
Judge: Did you right this motion yourself, or do you have counsel present?

Defendant: Yes, I was aided by counsel who is here.

Judge: Counsel, would you care to stand up and tell me about this motion? (no response for 20 seconds) Counsel? Are you a lawyer?

Counsel: Well, I haven't passed the bar your honor.

Judge: Motion is denied.

Power of the . . .

Judge - I don't care if it is through Mt. Sinai or the Tabernacle of he Holy Something... No trial Judge is going to let you call 13 treaters.